"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Anais Nin

My heart has been beating at different rhythm lately. It likes to speak to me mostly when I feel anxious. It wears my face as a mask in the romantic play of my life. Feeling scared and vulnerable in the world, I have kept it as a prisoner in the cage of my ribs. I can tell that it's tired of living off the old stories that my mind feeds it to keep it from growing. But now I find comfort in its syncopated beat, knowing that the off beats are just as important to make me feel complete and whole inside.

I guess what I am trying to say is this...

"By knowing yourself as the awareness in which phenomenal existence happens, you become free of dependency on phenomena and free of self seeking in situations, places, and conditions. In other words, what happens or doesn't happen is not that important anymore. Things lose their heaviness, their seriousness. A playfulness comes into your life. You recognize this world as a cosmic dance, the dance of form. No more and no less."  -Eckhart Tolle

So I wrote this short story because of hurricane Sandy. I thought what if it wiped out almost the whole population? Just a window into my brain. Don't know why I wrote it, but I guess, well why not? 

Sandy sells sea shells by the sea shore no more
  

 


The bomb dropped today and covered everything in sugar. Fake white sugar, spreading like cancer to everyone who had a taste. The only souls left breathing here were hiding in a dark cave underground. Is hell really down below or is it up above?  Everything is gone, all our time and life spent planning for our future is gone. I guess anything is possible at this point, like a clean slate after the sweep of the hurricane. Are we really the only people left? Do we start to repopulate the earth? Or should we let our race just slowly die out and let our ashes sprinkle back into the earth like stardust.
After many moonrises, I begin to feel uneasy about the community I am left with. This is not the culture I would choose to live in. But would I rather isolate myself and be alone? Is nature strong enough to fill my glass of desire with love? How do I overcome my desire to be intimate with someone? If we are going to just live out these last lives, it seems impossible to refrain from experiencing an intimate connection again with someone. Can I truly love unconditionally? Beyond the needs of my body? The conditions of the world is like drowning and no one wants to swim up for air. They're all giving up trying to make it through these waves.

I decide to leave. I need space to come to my own ideas, ideas that aren't all based around this fear. The universe has a plan for me if I survived this natural disaster. I've got work to do and I'm sure as hell not gonna waste it here sitting around worrying.

 After a long day of hiking and climbing over the mountains of mess that the hurricane placed like an obstacle course, I decide to stop and take a rest. I can feel my heart is beating hard, but something feels a little unnatural about the beat. Maybe it's because all I've been eating is canned food for the past month from our shelter. No. The beat is hitting my chest with a force that feels outside my body. I stick my hand inside my coat to feel my chest and a bird flies out. "Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this mister bird, but you may be the only animal left in this world who survived the storm." She looks at me with confusion and perches herself on my shoulder. At least I won't be alone on my travels. I name her Marina after the deep blue sea. She sings a beautiful melody in hope that another mate can hear her. We sit together and her blue lullaby puts me to sleep.

Sunshine paints over my face, and gives me enough warmth to want to wake up to this cold world, damp and wet from all the tears of loss. Marina and I snack on some crackers I brought with us from the shelter and we on our way, looking for the sign to greets us with the words "Welcome to Whoknowswhere."

"If I only had wings like yours Marina, it would make this trip a little more enjoyable." We arrive to what looks like an old jailhouse. It's covered in debris, and the strong winds from the storm have blown down the security fence. As I approach the jail cells, it's hard not to feel the energy of this place. Maybe this would be a good place for us to take shelter-a place for me to spend time in a blank room, voluntarily lock myself up, and forgive myself for all the bad things I've done in my life. But who in my life is still alive to hold it against me? I wish there was someone still in my life who was alive, even if our relationship was spent in anger. I dance the night away in my cell, Marina and I both singing a seance to our loved ones to come visit us.

It's dark now, and my mind keeps playing tricks on me. I keep hearing whispers down the hallways. maybe it's the ghosts of the inmates, admitting the truths of what they did in hope that it will set them free to the after world. "Set yourself free!!!!!!!!" I yell out at the top of my lungs, as my voice echoes against the walls. 

Wait, someone is here. Marina hugs close to me and feels it's presence too. The world hasn't had power since the storm hit and even the moon isn't bright enough to light up this haunted place. "Who's there? Don't be a coward and show yourself." It's a woman, shaking, scared, and underfed. I wouldn't call it a miracle that she's still alive, as that kind of faith in me has died out now, but I am surprised that she could survive this long without food and water. As a man, my innate nature started to come through to offer her help, but I withdraw considering she's wearing a inmate jumpsuit.

From a distance I ask "Are you alright?" The look of disappointment on her face was worse than the look on my mother's the day I got sent home from school for punching my best friend in the face.
"Am I really supposed to answer that question with 'I'm okay?' She said, using the last bit of energy she had to winkle her angry brow at me. She collapses. I run over to her, and pick her up, and lay her down on a cot. I place my hand on her forehead, and her body's burning. I try taking off the top of her inmate jumpsuit to cool her down. With her passed out, it gives me time to think how a woman with such long blonde hair and healthy, innocent looking skin could have done something bad enough to get locked up in here. Curiosity killed that cat, so I better keep my jowls shut.

She starts to wake up again mumbling, "I.......I... don't know." "Shh shhhh it's okay. Calm down and start eating this." I say as I hand her the some of the last supply of our crackers. She gobbles it down and gathers enough courage to say" Ha, figures. I'm left alone one minute with a man, unconscious, and he already found a way to get me undressed. Who are you anyway?"

"Hey, you listen here lady, I ain't no creep. You hit the ground faster than a ton of bricks, body on fire, and I was just trying help you cool down. Stop wasting your energy on these gender games and realize I'm just trying to help ya." I said with an undertone of shock. "Plus if anyone's gonna be asking questions, don't you think it should be the visitor of the jailhouse?"

As hungry as she was, she stopped chewing, and went silent. There was just enough stillness in that moment between us to realize we had no business in wasting time on silly gender issues. Night was coming on and I knew we wouldn't survive here much longer and that we'd have to head back to the bomb shelter for more food and clean water.

Marina wakes us up in the morning, squawking like a child having a tantrum, and parading around in front of us like we're her divorced parents, in hopes that this act might make us work together as team. To please the child, I tell the woman there's a bomb shelter just a few miles from here, and that if she wanted to make it out alive, she had better consider coming with me.

"I'd be happy to go somewhere else if it means there's a chance there might be other people alive besides you." She says. And that's the first time I saw her smile. It was cute in its own way. Her lips were bright like rose quartz and her teeth hung like little crooked crystals inside her small cave mouth. "You know if you show those pearly whites more often, the sun might just bleach 'em for ya." I said with a smile in return. 

"I'm Bianca." She said sticking out her hand in an act of truce. "Nice to meet you Bianca, I'm Lou." I said as my large paw for a hand shook and swallowed hers. As we started to leave the jailhouse, I noticed Bianca kept looking back, like she had left something or someone behind.

I worried about continuing back to the shelter with an ex convict. She walked behind me, proving we still hadn't built much trust between each other yet-enough at least to walk side by side. Her walk was pretty straight and narrow too, not a single sway came from her hips. She didn't have anytime to waste in the journey to get to the camp sight. I didn't blame her, the hurricane threw everything around, and mother nature looked so unorganized that even the laziest person would want to start to clean it up.   

To be continued...


    

Happy now year!

Ever since I can remember my family was never too attached to celebrating certain holidays on the actual day they fell on, nor did they stick to any sort of annual "family holiday tradition", and even some years we wouldn't even celebrate the holiday at all. I could appreciate this in my Grandmother especially, she never wanted to do anything the same each year for Christmas. She'd say something like "Why create any sort of tradition? We are completely different people now than we were a whole year ago." I guess it was kind of a relief because it took away any pressure on building up any expectation as to how it was going to be the "perfect Christmas."

But if there was one holiday that I've always looked forward to, it would have to be New Years. Most years, my family and I would be on a train, heading across the country to Chicago, where we would visit our living spiritual teacher. It was amazing. Thousands of people from all over the world would come together to celebrate the dawning of the New Year with meditation and all different kinds of musical performances from different cultural backgrounds. I met some of the most interesting people on those trips. Plus, everyone setting their intentions to better themselves and the world was very powerful as well.

Normal tradition for me (if I even have one for the New Year) has usually been revamping my vision board and writing out my never-ending list of all the things I want to accomplish in the next year or so. For some reason though, this year tends to feel kind of different. I haven't written "the list", my vision board has grown a new layer of skin - dust - and I'm actually kind of loving it. I'm not saying that I've thrown in the towel (or whatever the expression is) on achieving things to better myself, I'm just having more acceptance with the way my life is. Here. In this moment. Now.

For the first time in my life, I can genuinely say that I'm not experiencing any sort of feelings of  anxiousness for the New Year. My mind wants to experience SOO many things in this lifetime, but I'm starting to relax into the idea that not all of them may happen........ and that's okay. It's funny how the mind tends to think 'only in the future when I'm doing this, then, will I truly be happy.'  A sort of "until then" mentality. I feel anxiousness comes from worrying about the future, wanting more, or not having enough time to accomplish things, but in all actuality there really is no future. 

One of my favorite authors, Eckhart Tolle (oh how I love thee), states this idea pretty simply: 
  
"The past and future are thought forms, mental abstractions. The past can only be remembered Now. What you remember is an event that took place in the Now and you remember it Now. The future, when it comes, is the Now. So the only thing that is real, the only thing that ever is, is the Now." 

I also feel a lot of my anxiety used to come from avoiding what is going on in the moment. I used to always be thinking "Okay, this is done, now what am I going to do next?" But I'm finding peace in just observing the world, as it is. I'm finding more comfort in silence, in the space between words that are exchanged with others. A true human-being. I attribute a lot of this patience that I'm experiencing to practicing meditation and yoga which heighten my awareness and strengthen this relationship to my intuitive voice. I'm not basing all my goals/direction/decisions off my compulsive thinking. Instead, by honoring this higher voice, I'm led right exactly to where I need and more importantly want to be. I'm not saying that I am becoming a less grounded person, like a light leaf, only to be thrown around by every breeze of life. Or sitting on my bum, playing video games and letting life pass me by because I'm enjoying my realm of comfort. In fact it's quite the opposite. 

A quote I read from my chiropractics office has stuck with me, it said: "Don't live up to anyone's expectations. Not even your own."

 I'm still making goals, but I'm not turning to my mind for all the answers. There is power in sitting in silence. Which takes patience in waiting for the answers, but is so much more fulfilling when they arrive. It is the creative force that is always there to guide you. A source of power that is way more in rhythm with all of creation than your petty little mind will ever have you believe. Why not go with it? Why resist? I have based major decisions in my life all off of strange coincidences, premonition dreams, and deja vu experiences. I have faith in trusting my higher voice because of these experiences, and it hasn't led me wrong. You know when something is right because you feel it. 

Today really isn't the day, month, nor year. It's now.
 






 

on the other hand…

victim or offender

hypocritical or sincere

reject or invite

hate or yearn

careless or passionate

despise or cherish

steal or sacrifice

veto or permission

repel or attract

divide or merge

intolerant or patient

resist or accept

retaliation or peace

black or white

or maybe somewhere in the grey

when the world is testing you, it’s interesting to see where you stand

P.S. is it grey or gray?


 

Soul: Good morning, you're awake. I have been sitting here patiently. Are you ready to rise above?

Mind: Yes. But first I need to ask: Why do I have to experience anxiety first in order to remember that you exist? When can I let go of being a victim of these emotions, and begin to feel your presence with me all the time?

Soul: You are only the witness. Have gratitude that you have a body and a heart to experience these feelings. Tell me what happens to you physically when you experience the anxiety.

Mind: The levels of intensity are always different. When I feel the rush of emotions coming, I begin to shake out of my own skin. A feeling of a newborn child who is extremely vulnerable.

Soul: These feelings are constructive. These are what help you reflect on your old self. Your old ways of acting/thinking/living. Your body shakes because it wants to change. It's trying to communicate to you that it can't live in these old patterns anymore. It is showing you that you are ready to evolve, like a snake shedding out of its old skin.

Mind: Can I trust that it is okay to become who I really want to be? What if the world doesn't support me? Sometimes I feel too attached to things, too judgmental, or that I am too conditioned as to what the world thinks is important. When I honor this higher self sometimes I feel that I am alone.

Soul: You can only begin to trust this guiding force inside you through experience, never go off of blind faith. Experience is what's real. Just as the sun sets, you know through experience that the sun will also rise again. I am in everything, the life force, the effortless effort that gives you your very own breath.  I guide/direct you through signs or "coincidences".  Also the people and relationships in your life are the other gifts of grace that I give to you. Some people are the mirrors in your life to help you reflect upon where you are in life, while others are the channels or arrows to help point you in the right direction.
Honoring this path is not easy, but it is the ones who are truly willing to brave the world that will have a fulfilling life. No matter how high your level of consciousness becomes, there will continue to be ups and downs in life.  It's all about how you react.

Mind: I want to come from this higher understanding of life in every thought, word and deed. How can I keep this feeling at my center?

Soul: Have patience. The joy of living is journey. Reflect on your achievements so far, they are the strength and proof that you are willing and on your way. Just the fact that in this moment you are able to remember who you really are is the greatest achievement of it all.     

crawled off to sleep in the bath

 

Taking a bath in my mind today, it feels like I'm stewing in my own filth. My hands and feet are beginning to prune, and my brain is starting to show signs of aging with all its wrinkles. It's the kind of day where you want to wash away your old habits, old ways of thinking, and cleanse from the inside out. Reminiscing on my days as a child, my mother would lovingly bear the weight of my thoughts. With ease, she poured a cup over my head, and a joyous release of stress would roll off my shoulders. I sit here now, as my soul continues to hold my brain afloat, keeping me from drowning in my own thoughts, and reminding me as to who's really in charge. Unplug the tub, and all my worries begin to spiral down the drain.

<3,
A