This has been something really tough for me lately... My purpose.

   Growing up, my family never really had a lot of money.  We spent a lot of our time doing activities that were free, like going to the ocean, riding bikes, crafting/art projects, hiking/nature walks, etc. Most of our furniture in our home was purchased at garage sales, and as a child a lot of my clothes were from a thrift store. Being a single mother, my mom had two jobs to support my little brother and me. She was a preschool teacher during the week, and on the weekends she worked as a cashier at a local health food store. I felt really blessed with her career choices, mainly because there were always an endless amount of craft supplies for me to dive into from her school, such as: paints, charcoal, water coloring, glue, paste, pom pom fuzzy wuzzys with googlie eyes, you name it. Plus since she worked at a health food store, we ate really really well. A vegetarian diet was introduced to me at a very young age, and eating things like kale and swiss chard in my lunches was considered normal (of course I would try to trade them at school for other kids gushers and dunkeroo's, which never worked).
   Anyways, my mom always witnessed how creative I was, and after many years of continuing to make art myself, I've always thought it would be amazing to have my work/creations support me as a career one day. Key word: ONE DAY... My current career today is teaching Yoga, which I truly am passionate about, but lately I wonder if I need more. These beautiful images I have in my mind to write a book, create a movie, capture a photograph, write a play, design a clothing line, write music, etc! etc! etc! are all just swirling around in my head, going to waste, when they are screaming to come out. Like a trapped, brilliant child I've been underfeeding, just whispering, "don't worry child, I haven't forgotten you, ONE DAY."
 Here's the real issue though, I already have worked in the creative field with fashion/hair/make-up, working runway and print work for magazines, and T.V. up in L.A. Most of my work in that industry was very outside the box or "avant-garde", which I loved, and my inner creative child was overfed to the point of obesity. But as I became more successful, I also became a very toxic person. Everything around me felt like an illusion, they way people treated each other was soo competitive, and who you were as far as being a "somebody that mattered" was all based on your EGO. It was killing me slowly, and the higher up I got on the success ladder, the less I could see the ground and remember what was really important in life.
  Then, it happened. I got in one of the biggest car accidents of my life. I was rear ended by a car going 60mph while stopped at a traffic light, and my whole spine was crunched, knees hit the glove box, and head went straight into the wind shield. The timing was strange because I had just driven home that day from what was probably one of the biggest events in my career, and then on the same day was in one of the biggest car accidents of my life. When big things happen to you like this, it's hard to not pay attention to signs of what the universe is trying to tell you. I visualize a road to your purpose, and I had gone off an exit so far from where I was supposed to be heading, and it took a huge force like the car accident to put me right back on track to my goal. Here I found yoga.
  Yoga has saved me, it was the only thing that felt right to begin to heal my body in its fragile state, and I'm grateful for it everyday. I was so inspired that I began to teach it to other people, and felt I was finally doing something with my life that actually mattered, something that was making a true difference in the world. Even to this day I love seeing the difference in people's overall being change from when they first walked in the door, stressed out and angry, to when they walk out, happy, carefree, and almost intoxicated =D  The difference is like night and day. I have always enjoyed nurturing/taking care of people, bringing lightness into people's lives, and to this day I still find creativity in creating the dance aspect of my yoga flows. I have taken dance lessons for most of my life, and for my choreography/flows to have a benefit on an alignment/anatomical level as well is such a beautiful blessing of both worlds.
  This is why I fear coming back into a workforce as an artist. Simply for the fact that I already have a career in Yoga, which helps so many people, and keeps myself grounded too. My previous job in L.A. taught me that even in your most successful moments of your work, it can all be taken away from you, and when you're on the outside looking in you may ask: did that job really even matter? I guess this introspection is good from time to time. I know I'll continue to create art, but maybe just for myself, and continue with my selfless work in yoga.
<3, A

mother earth & father time

 I'm not sure if it's the news of my Grandfather recently being diagnosed stage four cancer or one my really good friends Mother passing away just recently, but our connection to family has been on my mind.

Death has always brought me mixed feelings...

 When I was 3 years old I actually witnessed my adopted father pass away. He was shot by one of our female roommates living with us at the time. Story goes that she was really behind in rent money, they had quite a few heated arguments about it, and one day out of fear of not being able to pay him the money she owed or fear of being evicted (and I'm sure for many other reasons) she decided to pulled out a gun, shoot him three times, and then run out the door. I watched my father fall onto his bed where I climbed onto him and could feel his breath and whole body start to go into shock. Even though I was young, and my adopted mom wasn't home at time, I reached for the phone and dialed 911 for an ambulance.  I just laid there with him on his chest (which I think is part of the reason why I'm drawn to a males chest so much) and waited for help to come.

 What was interesting was the way my father started to pass. He was calm and tried to look into my eyes as if to say do not be frightened, and for the last lesson a parent could give their child, accepting death as part of life was the most power lesson I have ever learned.

 From that moment on I felt as if I grew up at a much faster rate, like a primitive "survival switch" had been turned on. My adopted mom has always been supportive of me, but I felt like this tragic experience is and always has been part of my journey of independence, a lesson of strength and fearlessness, and until you go through some life-changing experience, you think of your body, your health and everything else in your life as something that will always be there for you. In Sanskrit (one of the oldest languages, commonly used in yoga) the term for this idea is called Avidya or ignorance, mistaking the impermanent for the permanent.

While I often think of how different my life would have been growing up with a male figure in my life, I think it's been a beautiful experience so far without one. I didn't even start to feel emotional for his passing until I was much older. I think it was when I was in more committed relationships as an adult that I started to develop expectations of a what a boyfriend in my life "should" be. Looking back now, I realize I was in a few relationships where I was looking for them to be my love, my friend, but also my father. Not until my trip to India (I'll share with you in another post), did I finally start to understand that we come into this world alone and we die alone, and that we can only be responsible for ourselves. What a weight that had lifted in my life, I will always be strong enough on my own, and that the purpose of a man in my life is that he can just be himself. 

Being raised by my grandmother and adopted mom, who I really just call mom (they adopted me since the day I took my first breath), I give both of these powerful women in my life a lot of credit. Mom if you are reading this... I love you soo much and Gma I know you don't have a computer nor a cell phone, (but it doesn't matter because I swear we heave telepathy), always love to you as well <3

 Everyone else, if you've actually read this far, well... thank you. I have always loved to journal, and blogging is going to be a new way for me to do sort of the same thing. More of the output so there's what I call "room for rent" or new space available in my head for new input.

Love,
A           

    

Openening a window..

Hello peeps, welcome to my first blog post..

I've been following blogs for a few years now for inspiration and I finally decided to start my own. Don't really know where to start, and I'm not gonna lie I'm a little nervous. It's like a having a sneak peak into my journal or something.. but outta comfort I guess I'll just start things off with a laugh!

Here's a photograph of my pumpkin creations from last years Halloween. Meet The Squashingtons. Not sure what I'll create or carve this year (these were super easy), made from all different kinds of squashes, and even better when the holiday was over I got to turn each one into something tasty to eat! Considering that I'm vegan, it did feel a little strange when I would slowly kidnap each one off the shelf to cook, almost like eating one of my children or something. Just adds to the creepiness of the holiday!

My intention with this blog is to inspire other artists as well. Whether thru words, music, photography, yoga (my day job is teaching yoga), poetry, vegan cooking, traveling, fashion, or just "jaw dropping can't believe she just posted that" humor!! But please be patient as I'm just now learning how to blog design, so sorry if my page is kinda raw.

 I've had a love hate relationship with Facebook over the past few months, where I've become "friends" with quite a few people who I would call maybe more so acquaintances (love to all of you regardless). Sometimes I feel like expressing whats really on my mind, and that little angel on shoulder whispers, "I wouldn't say that if I were you.." There's a new option (I say new because just using a computer alone is new to me) where you can "group" your friends and have certain posts go only to certain "groups." I just don't wanna have anymore resistance on what I'm feeling in the moment to express, so now I blog. It's perfect because you have to choose to visit my blog, and this way you don't fall victim anymore to hear what I have to say like you would on Facebook's posting page.

Any who that's enough bashing on FB for today,  whoever you are who's checked out my page, just wanna say thanks! I don't know how often I'll be posting on here but I'm excited I just took the first step.

Love, A